Examining Relationship Structures

When we hear the word “relationship”, we grow up socially programmed to hear a basic set of assumptions: monogamous, romantic, heterosexual, sexually exclusive. These default assumptions are so deeply ingrained in us that we often have to clarify when we mean something else. We use words like “couples therapy” for therapy sessions targeted for partnerships; even knowing that a relationship can include more than two.

When we enter into a new relationship (cue: giddy, smitten butterflies!), the assumption is often monogamous unless otherwise specified. People enter into relationship with a basic set of expectations that we assume are in line with social programming (monogamous, sexually exclusive, long-term committed, etc.). For individuals looking to enter into relationships outside of this social default, it can be tricky to navigate the conversation of how there are many different types of relationship structures.

While not an exclusive list by any means, below are a few different ways to rethink relationship structures and navigate conversations of defining a partnership expectations that feel authentic, fulfilling, and true.

Monogamy

Oh, monogamy - he default and the relationship structure we think about without even thinking about it! Monogamy refers to the state or practice of being married, emotionally committed, or sexually exclusive with one person at a time. We often assume that people are monogamous or want a monogamous relationship unless we are told otherwise.

For many, monogamous provides a sense of secure attachment and commitment. In monogamous relationships, infidelity can feel black and white, and easy to identify betrayals. Monogamy is a perfectly valid relationship structure and is the foundation for many of our social systems. Often, I have conversations with folks who feel pressured to explore non-monogamous relationships out of a desire to combat the system - if you want to, great! If monogamy works for you - also great! Intentionally choosing monogamy creates a sense of agency in relationship structures, rather than defaulting to the norm.

Ethical Non-Monogamy or Open Relationships

Often used interchangeably, ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and open relationships refer to sexual or intimate partnerships that allow for a fluidity of sexual non-exclusivity. Because there isn’t a black and white definition of these terms (part of the reason why folks love them!), partners usually have conversations about what non-exclusivity means for them. Typically ENM or open relationships involve communication about what kind of connections feel safe - for many ENM/open relationships, the exploration lies in physical or sexual exploration outside of the central relationship, while a certain level of emotional intimacy is reserved for the central relationship. Boundaries pertaining to sexual acts, communication preferences, frequency, and time/space are often established ahead of time and on an ongoing basis as the relationship evolves. Both partners do not need to have sexual intimacy outside of the relationship in an open relationship; often only one partner might be interested in exploring that.

It is important to note that infidelity can still happen in open or non-monogamous relationships! When boundaries are crossed, a sense of betrayal can arise.

Polyamory

Polyamory is another extension of a non-monogamous or open relationship, but often includes more fluidity with emotional intimacy. Polyamory literally means “many love”, and polyamorous partnerships typically have deep emotional connections with many different individuals. Some people practice hierarchal polyamory, where a person may have a “primary partner” and “secondary partners”; this sense of hierarchy can establish feelings of security while still exploring emotional intimacy with others. Practitioners of non-hierarchal polyamory would not utilize qualifiers like “primary” and “secondary”, and instead practice loving many on the same playing field.

Similar to ENM and open relationships, polyamory is not a safeguard against infidelity.

So, is one relationship structure better or more ethical than another?

All of the relationship structures mentioned above are ethical and can provide a great sense of security, commitment, and emotional/sexual fulfillment to those involved in the partnership! Is one better than another? Of course not. The value in examining different relationship structures is to establish an intentional and authentic structure that works best for you and your partner. In a world of social defaults, it is empowering to intentionally choose a way of being that best aligns with your individual (or relationship) values and beliefs.

Interested in navigating conversations with your partner about exploring different relationship structures? Schedule a free consultation to see if partnership therapy would be a good fit.