“Am I Queer Enough?”

Ah, yes. THAT question again. The one that bubbles up when your bisexual self starts crushing on someone of a different gender. The question that rears its ugly head when you feel compelled to dress in a way that aligns with your sex assigned at birth, or when you act in a way that falls under socially-defined gender norms. Maybe it’s the question that quietly slips into your mind while in bed with a partner and realize they’ve been “out” longer than you. Maybe again it’s the question you ask yourself when you hear a personal anecdote of homophobia or a friend’s traumatic coming out story that doesn’t reflect your supported experience.

Am I queer enough?

This question is insidious, and it’s common. It’s the voice of internalized homophobia, of social conditioning, of shame and self-betrayal. It’s also a self-protective question - there is vulnerability in fully stepping into your authentic Self, and when an intrinsic part of your identity comes with social programming, stereotypes, and narratives, it can get especially challenging and confusing to claim. At the basis of a question like this is fear. Fear of not being “enough”; fear of fitting in and fear of rejection. We become afraid of claiming something as our own for fear that someone else will tell us that we don’t belong to that identity. That we don’t fit their expectations of the label. That we aren’t really queer.

I think about this question often, and I hear it asked just as routinely. The practice of policing identity - especially queerness - is unfortunately all too common. If you’ve ever found yourself asking this question, you’re not alone.

There’s no “right” way to be gay/lesbian/bisexual/pansexual/transgender/non-binary/asexual.

There isn’t a litmus test that gives us an “enough” passing grade in order to claim an identity.

You don’t have to have been romantic or sexual with a particular gender, or have a minimum number of experiences to claim queerness.

You are the expert of your lived experience, and nobody can know your identity better than you.

You are queer enough.